Yesterday a friend kindly reminded me that I haven’t done a blog post lately. I have been very aware of that. I have been journaling and writing. But nothing felt ready or publishable. So I was breaking one of my own rules… self editing and negative self talk. It isn’t ready.. .it isn’t what my readers are looking for… I am writing about events that people have already heard too much about. So many negative things I told myself, which stopped me cold in my tracks.
And the irony isn’t lost on me that my last post was all about hustle. I was feeling so much bravado, so confident. And as happens to the best of us, it didn’t take long for the doubt to creep back in where the bravery once stood.
But also, so much has been happening in the past month that blogging took a back seat. Friends visiting, photography sessions, and the biggest news of all, I have been planning to take a year of leave from work.
So here I am. It is 2:56am on Monday morning. The first Monday in 15 years that I don’t have a job. I can’t sleep. I have been tossing and turning all night. I am so excited about what this year has in store… and I am scared that I won’t meet my own expectations, that I will disappoint myself. And in reality, I haven’t even been able to define my expectations.
Because it is 3am I feel I am entitled to a bit of rambling. At coffee we were talking about other people’s impressions. And in case you have formed an impression of me, either in person or through my writing, and thought I was somewhat put together, basically, I am not. If you see me… picture me like a duck trying to gracefully swim across a pond, but realize my little legs are working triple (make that quadruple) time under the water so I can stay afloat and keep moving forward. There is no calm. There are sleepless nights, teeth gnashing and furrowed brows, despite realizing deep down,I am beyond blessed. So as I cant sleep, I also reflect on peaceful evenings sitting on the couch with my hubby and dog. Drinks at lovely bars and coffee with dear friends, college besties making it for a girl’s weekend. Basically, I am a lucky ducky.